The Buddhist Mama

Last night my honey bear and I took a solid step along our path. We received the 5 Mindfulness Trainings Transmission and received our Dharma names. To be able to do this at all meant so much to me. To be able to do it with my husband by my side was more than I could have hoped for. One of the wonderful women at the temple came in to sit for our kiddos while Daddy and I took our vows. I am forever grateful to her for that.

So, what does this mean? It means we have declared ourselves Buddhist. It means we have vowed to try to uphold the 5 Mindfulness Trainings. Will we stumble? Will we fall? You betcha. We are far from perfect. But this means that we will do our best. And when we do fall, it means we will get up, dust ourselves off and keep on keepin’ on!

For me, it was just surreal to stand in front of our Sangha and take our vows. To know that we are now on our path and to have all of their love and support. This is something that we did not enter in to lightly. I wanted to be sure we were at a place where we could truly do our best to uphold these vows. Just like my marriage vows, I took these very seriously. They are not just empty words, but rather a promise to myself, to my husband, to my children, to my Sangha and to Thay and the Buddha as well.

I am on cloud 9 today. I have such a feeling of calmness and peace, I can’t even explain it! I know this was a good thing for us. And I shall do my best to always remember to feel what I felt last night standing in front of our Sangha, our teacher and the Buddha.

I love facebook, really, I do. I love getting a little glimpse in to the lives of my friends and family who are far away. Those I may not talk to often enough, but who are none-the-less on my mind. It has helped me reconnect with at least one very dear and precious friend. It gives me the chance to see photos of family who are so far away in distance, but so close in my heart. But every once in a while, I hate it.

I recently connected with a family member (who I have never met IRL) and I was over-joyed about this. For whatever reason, time and distance have separated me from 99% of my family and I want to give my children the opportunity to have that extended family. They were so important to me as a small child, and they are now, too. But I am getting off track here.

Late last night I decided to check my email and FB one last time before bed. Oh how I wish I would have avoided that temptation. I was shocked, and so angry, and sad too to see a racial slur in the status of my younger cousin. It kept me up most of the night. And to be honest, I just don’t know how to handle it. For those of you who do not know, I am a white woman and I have a Chinese son and two beautiful children form Ethiopia. My husband and I thought long and hard before deciding to adopt internationally. Were we strong enough to raise minority children? Would we be able to help them navigate a country where race is such a hot button topic? We though we could. We are strong people who speak our minds. But this is different, this is family! How do you say to your own cousin “you racist piece of garbage” in a nice way?

My heart aches this morning. This has just knocked the wind out of me. What if my children had seen that? Coming from their own family? It is not a reach, after all if they were a little older, he would probably be on their friends list.

Yes, my friends. Racism is indeed alive in well in 2011. And the only way to stop it is to change ourselves. I saw an interview with Morgan Freeman recently and I think he summed it up so well. In this day and age, why is he still referred to as a black man? Why is he just not a man?

I implore you to check your vocabulary. Stop using language that spreads hate. And please, don’t infect the next generation with this intolerance! The only way to have a peaceful society is to spread peace and love, not hate and degradation! Words hurt, make no mistake about it.

We had a wonderful family experience tonight. We started off with chanting Om Mani Padme Hum with the kids. This was the first time we have done this together and it was wonderful! The kiddos kept right up with us. Then we did our taking refuge followed by the little prayer we have been using. It was then time for the kiddos to get in to bed, so they said their bedtime prayers and I read them a wonderful little Native American story by Joseph Bruchac called the Dream Fast. It is from the book Flying with the Eagle, Racing the Great Bear.

Peanut and I have decided that we are going to start doing a very short, simple practice in the morning to get our day flowing. It will just consist of taking refuge and making an offering, but it is something to get them started with daily practice. I would also like to do what we did tonight at least 3 times a week. Peanut is at an age now (6.5) that I want him to start having an active practice. We are going to try to incorporate many things in to our day.

I love my children so much, and I love that they love the Dharma.

I found this contest on Minnesota Mamaleh’s blog, and thought what a wonderful idea for this dreary Friday! Instead of thinking of the gloomy skies and all of the running around in the pending rain I have to do today, let’s focus on our happiness!

So, with that in mind, here are the things that bring me joy (in no certain order):

1) My beautiful, wonderful, loving husband. Yes all, I am indeed one of those lucky women who is so blessed to be married to my best friend and soul-mate. He holds me up when I can no longer stand. He gives me a safe spot to land when I get too flighty. He walks by my side and holds my hand. He supports every hair-brained idea that pops in to my head. I love him more than life and have no idea how I got through 28 years without him. Thankfully, I won’t ever have to get through another one alone.

2) My sweet, beautiful oldest son. He has a heart as big as the world, but makes you work to get to see it. He is loving and helpful. Artistic and funny. He came in to our lives 4 years ago and in to our arms a year later. He made us a family. I love seeing his mind work. He has a thirst for knowledge that wears me out, be amazes me even more. He is my heart.

3) My beautiful, shining daughter. This child is truly a light of the world. Her eyes dance and sparkle when she smiles. She is kind and compassionate. She is warm and cuddly. She loves to dance, and is so beautiful to watch, She shines when she is one stage. She loves her boys (what she calls Daddy and her brothers) and is Mama’s little princess.

4) My darling, beautiful baby boy. I remember the first photo I saw of him. I remember thinking, this child needs me. He reminded me of a wounded, little bird. My how he has spread his wings in the past two years! He is funny and animated. He loves to be loved and babied. His favorite place is still on my lap and he would go to the ends of the earth for a squeeze.

5) My home. It isn’t perfect, but it is ours. And the walls have seen so much laughter and loving in the past 6 years. While I am eager to move on, I will be sad to leave here. Our family grew from 2 to 5 in this house.

6) Family…I have a wonderful extended family. I love my husbands sisters as if they were my own. I am closer to his mom than mine. Our nephews and niece are a constant source of pride and joy. I can’t wait to see them in October. I have also reconnected with some of my cousins and that has been a huge blessing for me!

7) My friends. Both IRL and cyber. I have learned a lot of hard lessons in the past year. But the friends I still have are true ones.

The ability to homeschool. I know for a lot of mamas this is not an option or even a consideration. It is not for the weak at heart and it is not an easy job. I complain about it more than I would like, but in reality I love it. I am so glad I am able to do it (see #1)

9) The health of my family. Without that, what else is there?

10) My spirituality. Yes, it causes me a lot of stress at times, but I am so glad to finally be on my path. I am so thankful to my husband for bringing Buddhism to us. It has brought us even closer as a family. Sitting together with my husband and my children truly brings so much joy in to my heart, I can’t even express it.

There you have it. My top 10. Of course, I could go on for days, but I am exercising some restraint here, people! Why don’t you all play along? If you do, please leave me a comment so I can read about your joys!

“This post is part of SOYJOY‘s What brings you joy contest. Learn more here.

I just love it when Honey and I can find time to sit together. It doesn’t really matter to me what type of meditation we do. If he is there with me, it is always so much better.

Yesterday evening, we listened to one of my favorite podcasts. It is Sister Dang Ngheim from Deer Park inviting the bell. She is so happy and peaceful, so serene. She says the gatha that we are currently teaching our son, which makes it even more special for me.

Then last night, after the kiddos were tucked in and the house was quiet, we sat. Honey has a recording of a bell going at regular increments for about 16 minutes. So we just sat, listening to that bell. I recited the gatha a few times in my head and really concentrated on slowing my breath and relaxing. It was pure bliss for me. It re-centered and re-focused my mind and my heart. Here is the gatha if you would like to say it. It comes from Thich Nhat Hanh.

Body, speech and mind in perfect oneness

I send my heart along with the sound of the bell.

May the hearers awaken from forgetfulness

And transcend all anxiety and sorrow.

This and many other beautiful gathas and words of advice and encouragement can be found in the book, Chanting From the Heart.

I have been trying to give my children a prayer or a gatha to say at meal times and at bedtime. Here is one I recently found. We say a small blessing in front of the Buddha in the evenings, but I think I will have them do this one bed-side. It is cute and fun and may help them to remember to wake up on the right side of the bed!

Now I lay me down to bed

And pull the covers up to my head

I’ll dream of dragons and fairies bright

And pixies and wizards and elves tonight

I’ll dream if some osrt of magical place

And wake in the morning with a smile on my face!

This is a subject that has been running around my mind for a few weeks, but I needed time to process it. I think I am going through somewhat of an identity crisis. I LOVE being a Buddhist, don’t get me wrong. But this, as in the rest of my life, I find the draw towards eclecticism. You see, long ago in a land far, far away… I used to be a Pagan. To be even more specific, I practiced Wicca.

There are many things I love about Wicca, but for me, it was something that was very hard to practice alone. Sean didn’t nix it (he did allow a very dear friend performed a handfasting on us many, many years ago.), but neither did he embrace it. So when we moved away from my “coven”, my practice just kind of fell to the wayside. I was so young and new to the practice that I found it hard to sustain on my own.

So I got to thinking, is it possible to be a Pagan Buddhist? How about a Christian Buddhist?

There are definite things in Wicca that I would love to incorporate in to our family and home life, as well as our schooling. The nature aspect has always been so very appealing to me. The festivals are beautiful and celebrate the changing of the seasons and old time religion. Honoring the Earth and the elements. Giving thanks to mother Earth for all of her bounty and blessings. I think this is something we could certainly incorporate in to our Buddhist practice. And it would give me the godhead that I sometimes feel I need so much.

Buddhism gives me the grounding and focus that is essential to me. Meditating and working hard on being mindful are very important to me. The messages of the Buddha, his teaching are things I take very seriously. We will always continue to follow Buddha. We will most likely always continue to study Thay’s teachings, because they resonate within our souls.

So I guess you can call me a Green Buddhist Witch. Please to meet you!

I would love to hear how you incorporate Buddhism in to your life, even if you label yourself something else: Wiccan, Christian, Jew, Shaman. Do you still draw comfort and inspiration for the Buddha and his teachings? What do you feel it has brought to your practice? Do you feel like Buddhism works well with your religion? Or do you think I am crazy?

Last night I attended my first Yoga class at Gotta Yoga. It was a basics class and Carrie was our instructor. It was a small class, just myself and two others, which was very nice to me. I was less nervous than I would have been in a large class. Carrie was wonderful. Very mellow and relaxed. Pushing us only as much as we could push ourselves and not a bit more. This class is taught in an eight week rotation and this was week 6. So my plan is to take the next two classes and then start once from the beginning. I totally enjoyed the class and think that I have started a new love affair! This morning I am sore all over, but very happy to feel that soreness. I feel alive and energized.

Upon getting home last night, my oldest promptly told me I was gone too long and that he didn’t want me to go to that place again. Sorry bud, mama needs this time! I will admit I was gone longer than I would like, but the back and forth commute time added an extra 90 minutes to my night. But, I did get home in time to read a bedtime story. So, I decided to compromise with my son. I will continue to go to my weekly class and once a month, I will take him to family yoga. He seemed very pleased with that deal!

I feel that yoga is going to help me greatly. Not only does it give me something to do out in the world on my own, but I feel it will also deepen my meditation practice. Yoga, like meditation focuses on your breathing. And once I am farther along, I will be holding the poses for longer, so I can really settle in to the pose and go in to my meditation from there. Changing through the different poses in a mindful way, watching my breath.

I have to say, Carrie’s personality and teaching style has a lot to do with how I am reacting to yoga, I am sure. If you are local and looking for something new, check out Gotta. The offer a wide variety of class type and times. I think you will be pleased. I know for a fact I am and I can’t wait to get back in to the studio!

So I had a small freak-out yesterday and decided not to go to the temple after all. I got to thinking, my time together with Sean and the kids is so small and so precious, why would I want to leave them for several hours every Sunday? The answer came swiftly… I didn’t. Why is it that we cannot find the right fit for us? A temple where we are able to worship together as a family. Our friend Ryusho has certainly gone out of his way to welcome us all. But it is hard for me to concentrate on the service when I am so nervous about the kiddos disrupting or breaking something.

Sean and I attended a UU church for a bit. While the religion wasn’t a great fit for us, the set-up was the best. The children joined us for a time in the main service and after a bit, they went out and did the children’s service while the adults got down to the “meat”. It was wonderful to be able to worship with my children close at hand, but not have to worry about what kind of trouble they were getting in to while I concentrated on my own personal development.

Sean and I dream of the day we can either find, or start, a sangha where we can have some sort of children’s program. I cannot support a sangha that causes division in my family. We are a package deal. Why is it so difficult to find a temple that is set up for families? Where does that leave the next generation of Buddhists? If they cannot worship and experience that community, how can we expect to raise them to live this life? And where does that leave all of the Buddhist parents who want to worship with their sangha but still be with their children?

We need to come together to provide a solid base of faith and community for our families. We need to be encouraging families and supporting them. Not making them decide between being a parent and being a Buddhist.

Tomorrow I will be going to Sunday service with the meditation group that I sat in with one Thursday. Sean has been there several times, but this will be my first all out service. And I am a little nervous. I used to be ok going in to situations like this, but as I have aged, I have noticed a bit more “social anxiety” coming up in my life. I am just not used to going it alone, without the security of my little family. I am sure it will be fine, but going in to new situations worry me more now than they used to.

Sean and I are working hard on finding the right path on our road to Buddhism. We are not yet sure where our “square pegs” fit. After being so anti-religion for so long, it is hard to settle back in to it. I am still not 100% convinced that we need to “belong” but then again, maybe we do. Even if just for the sake of our children. Ok, scratch that. I really do long for that sense of community. I wish I felt we got more of it from Buddhism. With one major exception, I don’t feel like we have any Buddhist friends. I am hoping we can change that.

I feel like I am starting many new things in my life, yet some of the old stuff I would like to change seems to be hanging on. I can’t seem to shake them. Somedays it seems like moving forward is the hardest thing to do when you can’t quite close the door on who you used to be.

Sean and I are starting to make serious plans to return home. We have been here for 6 years, and with every passing year I long to go back. To be closer to family. To enable our children to have that closeness to Grammy and their aunts, uncles and cousins. That is something I never had and something I really want for our children. Our niece and nephews are mostly all grown, and the next generation is coming up fast! We have a great-niece now and a great-nephew on the way. It makes me so happy to think about being there.

Hopefully we will be able to find (or build) a strong meditation group or sangha once we are there. I am hoping that our children can see that the Buddhist community will be a new home for all of us.